


slow down love ( you’re walking thin air )

by ichorborn



Series: i'm in my head ( come and find me ) [1]
Category: High School Musical: The Musical: The Series (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Ricky Bowen (HSM: The Series), Break Up, Depression, F/M, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, M/M, Ricky Bowen Needs A Hug (HSM: The Series), Sad Ricky Bowen (HSM: The Series)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 09:21:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25967314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ichorborn/pseuds/ichorborn
Summary: he should’ve known it wouldn’t be that easy for him. of course it wouldn’t. that was the gag of it all, he thinks. when he wanted something to just be easy for once, it ended up falling apart.orricky bowen internally repeating the phrase 'my life is a joooooke' over and over again.
Relationships: Ricky Bowen/E.J. Caswell, Ricky Bowen/Nini Salazar-Roberts
Series: i'm in my head ( come and find me ) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1884751
Comments: 10
Kudos: 41





	slow down love ( you’re walking thin air )

**Author's Note:**

> kicks down the door of this fandom like that one gif of big bird while holding an eco friendly starbucks trenta cup filled to the brim with vodka and cranberry redbull
> 
> what's up i'm illiterate and this isn't beta'd we die like men

the past few weeks something had been building inside of him, and ricky didn’t quite know what it was. sometimes it was quiet rage simmering just below the surface, burning his body from the inside out as if he’d swallowed acid, the burn making his skin itch and his eyes water at the most inconvenient of times. sometimes it was crippling sadness, drawing him to make himself smaller, shoulders hunched and head dipped low to avoid eye contact with anyone that wanted to inquire what was going on inside his head. mostly, though, it was numbness. a frightening feeling of nothingness that spread from his fingertips all the way to his lungs. he breathed because it was muscle memory, he walked and talked because it was routine, but he felt nothing, and that was the scariest feeling of all.

his mother had left for good. the night after the musical she’d begun to pack her things, starting an argument between her and his father that he couldn’t help sitting at the top of the stairs listening to. how could she do that to ricky? how could she dampen the good mood he’d been in the last few days by reminding him that her stay was only temporary? she could’ve at least stayed the week before dragging him back to reality so violently. 

she’d hugged him goodbye the next morning, eyes hard and angry even as she gave him a small forced smile and an empty promise to visit again before the month was over. she had been given another job, she told him, they needed her back in chicago as soon as possible. a lie, he knew, but he’d stopped begging her not to leave years ago. he’d stopped telling her that he needed her too. he would never win over the relationship that kept drawing her back to chicago and he was tired of trying to. there was no point in it now, anyway, he’d seen the folder holding the divorce papers in his dad’s office.

nini had also been distant, not that he blamed her. he’d closed off. he spoke too little and was too distracted, not always listening when she rambled to him about this play and that brief spat with kourtney. he tried to be a good boyfriend, he really did, but by the end of the day the adderall was wearing off and his fingers trembled too much for him to hold her hand securely through whatever problem she was venting about. she deserved better, he knew that, but she had clung to him just as he did to her, and before all this, she was his safe place, his warmth to keep him going when the raincloud of his parents’ failing marriage was too much to bear. now he wasn’t quite sure where they stood, and he wasn’t about to ask. asking meant that he would have to acknowledge the tension between them. asking meant he would have to lift the rock and see the insects crawling in the rot underneath. If he didn’t ask, he could pretend it was fine. that’s how it worked, wasn’t it? ignore, ignore, ignore, and it would all go away.

he should’ve known it wouldn’t be that easy for him. of course it wouldn’t. that was the gag of it all, he thinks. when he wanted something to just be easy for  _ once _ , it ended up falling apart.

——

it was about a month after the musical when nini had pulled him aside. ‘we need to talk’ she’d muttered, hands clasped together tightly, shoulders high and tense, immediately putting ricky on edge. he’d seen enough shows to know nothing good ever came of that phrase, and he’d known nini long enough to know her tells. he knew what was coming when she cleared her throat, eyes looking anywhere but at him. he wanted to stop time, cover his ears childishly and ignore her next words but his hands were clenched too tightly inside the pockets of his hoodie. later he would pull them out and stare numbly at the halfmoon indents there and wonder why he hadn’t felt his nails dig so deep.

she’d mentioned the distance he had been ignoring. she’d mentioned the lack of communication. she’d mentioned how it just hadn’t been the same as before. she loved him, and she knew he loved her, but it just wasn’t enough. not when she’d learned what she wanted in her time away from him, not when she was leaving in a week anyway. he had wanted to argue, but his tongue felt heavy in his mouth and his throat was so dry he was afraid any noise that left his lips would be an unintelligible croak. ricky knew she was right, anyway, it wasn’t the same as it had been before. it was just familiar. he’d stuck his head in the sand and blocked out that what he’d wanted was to prove that he and nini were a couple that was meant to be. yes, love had driven his confession to her, but a smaller, spiteful part of him had wanted to show his mother she was wrong.  _ do you see us, mom? we did it. we lasted. i’m not like you. _

then again, he was his mother’s son, wasn't he? he had run when things got too much, he’d started feeling for someone else when he was meant to be focusing on his feelings for nini. he had always been more his mother than his father, and this further proved it. the thought nearly made him laugh. of course he’d be like lynne, he thought dramatically, skateboard in hand as he walked home. red had noticed something off, offered a ride but had understood when ricky told him that he just needed to clear his head for a while. 

“alright, well, come by if you need to. got some weed from charlie.” ricky nodded, already knowing he would be going to red’s later that night once he’d isolated himself for a couple of hours. 

——

he never intended to head to the park whenever he went on his walks, but his mind always seemed to wander and once he came to he was standing at the end of the small stone bridge he’d come across a little over two years ago. it was about a twenty-five minute walk from his house, but only about ten from red’s. he’d stay here for about an hour or two and wallow to himself before sucking it up and heading there to get so high he’d forget all events of the last few hours. or at least be so high that he’d laugh about how melodramatic he was being about it all. it was high school, after all, he knew the chances of a relationship right now had little to no chance of surviving long enough till graduation, especially when one half of said relationship was as emotionally constipated as he was. 

he leaned his forearms against the railing at the highest point of the bridge, palms up facing himself. his eyes scanned the fading halfmoons there, a deep sigh escaping him as he clasped his hands together, dropping his head in hopes to quell the growing pulse in his temples as he thought of what was to come.

bless his friends, he loved them, he really did, but none of them quite knew the concept of personal boundaries when gossip was involved. they liked knowing, they liked attempting to help and he appreciated that they cared enough, except that the thought of even trying to explain how he felt made him physically ill. he dreaded the questions, the looks of pity, the ‘how are you’s in that tone he equated to nails on a chalkboard. maybe he could fake sick and skip school for the next week.

“you look like an edgelord, bowen.”  _ jesus fucking christ. _ he really couldn’t catch a break, could he?

“and here i thought my day couldn’t get any worse,” he muttered, straightening up and feeling a slight ache at the base of his spine. how long had he been in that position?

“calm down, jughead, i was just on a run.” 

“fuck off,” he tried to snap, but his tone was more tired than anything as he turned his body to face ej, taking him in. his cheeks were flushed, from the run or the chill in the air, ricky didn’t know. he thought it was unfair that it only served to make ej even  _ more  _ attractive than usual. it already made ricky sick that he found him attractive at all considering their history, but hey, he had  _ eyes _ .

ej’s usual icy demeanor softened at the tone of his voice, probably out of pity, he didn’t know, but it triggered the feeling he usually experienced when he was on the receiving end of any form of perceived empathy or compassion. he could only compare it to choking on bile. thankfully, it only lasted a moment before he was back to his usual self. all god complex and superiority. “you look like shit.”

“thanks so much, you can fuck off now.” he silently celebrated that this time he managed to at least slightly match his usual level of disdain when talking to the other. the last couple of weeks hadn’t done much to change their dynamic, but ricky did find himself looking forward to the brief spats between them. it was probably the most engaged he’d felt in anything since the musical.

ej rolled his eyes, taking out his airpods and leaning his hip against the railing. ricky’s fingers press hard into the stone beneath them, the small grooves and points pricking him and keeping him present. ej remained quiet as he put his airpods away, maybe thinking of what to say. ricky really hoped he didn’t decide to defy expectations and ask him what was wrong. he couldn’t handle that question right now, his mind was way too clouded and ej was the last person he wanted to have a heart to heart with on a park bridge like some sort of corny lifetime movie scene. thankfully, if he could count on one thing, it was that ej didn’t care about his feelings, let alone want to listen to him vent about them.

“i’ve got hennessy at mine.” it’s a simple statement, but it makes ricky perk up for the first time today. he should probably be more embarrassed about it but the promise of getting drunk was more important at the moment. he at least had the decency to not give in as immediately as he wanted to.

“hennessy? on a school night?” the corner of ej’s mouth quirked up in a small smirk, playing along with a shrug. 

“i was gonna suggest everclear, but i figured you wanted to live to see tomorrow.”

“bold of you to assume anything about my desire to live.”

ej rolled his eyes again with a small huff of a laugh. “shut up, bowen. come on.” he turned on his heel, walking towards where he’d left his truck.

“i didn’t say i was coming.”

“you didn’t say you weren’t.” ricky bit back a smile at that and shook his head, covering for himself with an exaggerated sigh, thankful that ej’s back was to him. if he caught him smiling at something he said it would make him think that ricky actually  _ liked  _ interacting with him. he couldn’t give him that power.

——

  
**ricky → red:** _ yo something came up  _

**ricky → red:** _ i’ll jst see u tomorrow x _

**Author's Note:**

> i haven't written fanfic in like literally 5 years so if you see any mistakes no you didn't❤️️
> 
> title is frm slow down love by louis the child
> 
> shoutout to @flow3rs fr encouraging me to post this lov u sweaty❤️️


End file.
